Lay It Down

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore


All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands


So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down


[Jaci Velasquez]


I've had a bit of a weird time lately. Been thinking a lot about my future, and especially about marriage, family, etc. I'll be honest… I met this guy a good while ago who so totally captivated me… he was (is?) everything I wanted in a guy and so much more. He was the kind of guy that when you spend time with him or even just are talkig to him on the phone, he sparks a fire in your heart, makes you want to be more like Jesus, makes me want to know Jesus more. His passion is infectious… you couldn't escape it. As far as I was concerned, he was "The One". And yet we are not together. We have never been together. Now, we see each other very little, and hardly ever talk or email. And that's so hard sometimes.

Then yesterday I was reading a blog post, and it was like… BANG! There it is. The guy who wrote it was talking about the break-up of his relationship, and while I never dated the aforementioned guy, it resonated with me deeply. He talked about how even though we may not really believe in "The One", we still want it to happen to us. [Check]. He talked about how you keep noting in your journal the date you are finally free from thinking about the other person… and again. And again. [Check]. He talked about having your prayers come full circle from "God help me" to "teach me some lesson through this" to "surely You have a plan for this pain" to "God help me" again. [Check].

And then came these words:

"We need to wrap our minds around the concept that somehow, some way, we can be happy and whole and full again… I held unto the truth even when the thought of a new love terrified me ."

Wow. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I still don't know if this guy is "The One" for me. But I am learning (slowly) to trust in God's truth. Even if he is not, there is still hope for me. I can love again. There is hope.


"No, there are no murders in Africa. Only regrettable deaths, and from those deaths we derive the benefits of civillisation. Benefits we can afford so easily because those lifes where bought so cheaply."

[The Constant Gardener] 


I haven’t posted about Africa in a while. But it’s still on my heart. Trying to figure out where to go with it, what to do with it. You know, I learnt recently a new fact I didnt know. I’ve gone on about the diseases and the poverty, preventable things that are killing so many. But this hurts me even more.

More people die in Africa every day due to hunger, than disease and war combined.

How can that be?? I am convinced that there should never be starvation in a world of surplus. What can I do to help with these? How can so many people be dying from lack of food, when we throw so much out? What can I do??


So, I thought I should maybe expand upon that last post. About communicating. It’s true, you know.

On my last Exodus weekend (few weekends ago), we were talking about the problems/barriers we face when working with people around our ages, specifically discipling people.One of those barriers was the growth of ICT. Yes, it has brought many benefits. But strange as it seems to say it, it can also be a barrier to communication.

I haven’t been able to get that thought out of my head. It’s so true, even just looking at my own life I can see it. I’m not very good at talking about important things. It’s so much easier just to send a text/email/blog/instant messanger than actually to talk face to face. That can’t be good for us? To not be able to communicate wel, especially about the most important things. So what can we do to overcome it?

I’m working on that one…