Today* I tried to climb a hill.
My best friend’s six year old climbed it.
The girl who’s never climbed a hill in her life got to the top.
I should be able to do this.

But with every step my body is screaming at me,
“You can’t do this today.”

Today.

That’s the word I miss.
All I am hearing is, “you can’t do this”, and it’s breaking my heart.

One year on and my energy is
still sagging,
still unpredictable,
still turning great days into insanely frustrating ones in the blink of an eye.

I trudge back down the path, gutted to be accepting defeat.
I tell myself the hills will always be there, and I know it’s true.
But I wanted to get to the summit today.

There are no shortcuts in life.
The hill I tried to climb was Ben Nevis, but it was also anxiety.
I only made it into the foothills, but it was higher than I got yesterday.

I will be glad for the day the Lord has made;
this day
that is disappointing
that leaves me frustrated
where I watch from the sidelines
as others do the things I long to.
I will be glad.

*Today was actually a few weeks ago now.