I have a confession: I am Northern Irish.
There it is.
That thing I have run so hard from. Tried to hide. Been a little bit disappointed about.
I spent the first 18 years of my life growing up in a land full of blessing and heartache.
And I’ve spent the last 5 years running away from it.
Growing up in Northern Ireland can leave you with a bit of an identity crisis if you’re not careful. Every decision aligns you one way or another, politically and religiously. It’s easy to get a little bit lost in the maze of politics, religions, ethics, scandals, and everything else.
But it’s also a place full of beauty; full of God breaking out and doing new things.
Like my friend Jude, and her dream: Tell It In Colour. Stories of redemption and hope in a land saturated with bad stories, dull stories, colourless stories.
I have so much affection for the little country, but I like to keep it at a distance.
More and more, I am coming to a realisation that I must accept the past, accept the places I have been, the experiences I have lived.
There’s an old story of a man asking for directions, for the best route to a specific location, only to be told, “Well, I wouldn’t start from here!”
That’s so often been how I feel about being Northern Irish. It’s felt like a handicap. Like something to be overcome. Like I shouldn’t start from here.
But I have started from here.
Northern Ireland is the context God placed me in, got me started in.
For
a
reason.
Now, I am starting to look for ways to see it as a blessing.
It’s my heritage.
It’s where I’m from.
It’s shaped me in more ways that I can even begin to imagine.
And not all of those are bad.
* Please don’t mishear me. I love NI. I just didn’t love growing up there. And I’m trying to find the good stuff in it now, and not run away from it. I’ve done that for too long.
** Also, this post has been deeply shaped by a blog post from Blaine, a conversation with Vicky, and my counsellor, Martin.
Good words, good conversation be having… A lot of my kids have similiar, if less well expressed sentiments about camden. It’s good to see you trying to grow out of this… 🙂 looking forward to a skype date soon!
Glad to see you are beginning to accept this, I think it’s a privilege to be from NI, for all the shit that’s gone on, it is a great wee country, and I wouldn’t trade being brought up here for anywhere else
I guess all any of us can do is start from where we’re at. It’s quite a feat to be able to extend that acceptance back into our roots, too, but really important if we’re going to become all we can. You should be proud of the way you’re thinking, it sounds powerful and intuitive. There is still so much of my self that I just refuse to engage with… I know I can’t go on like that!
Lovely to meet you at Gavin’s party by the way.
Ross
Thanks for all the feedback folks. I think when you write about anything that you feel strongly about, that touches on raw nerves for you… it will inevitably hit on some raw nerves for others too. So thanks for commenting, for sharing your thoughts. These are obviously my very personal experiences of growing up, which I’m well aware not everyone shared. I guess I’m just working through a lot of the baggage I’ve carried with me from my past, and the blog is an inevitable outlet for that.
And Ross… thanks for your encouragement, but you should know there is also much in myself that I am still refusing to engage with! No ones perfect! Great to meet you also.
Emma (miss you)
Love the realness of your blog – love that you are seeing norn iron through an honest lens… and in embracing all the shades of the NI story you’ll find blessing.
Also have been meaning to let you know how much positive feedback I’ve had from our TIIC vision video (it’s up on youtube/ facial book now)
Just as you see beauty and newness in the northern Irish story – so i see the same breaking out in your life – can’t wait to hear more of the Emma story
xo